Dress to Impress

Lately, I've been trying to find a prom dress.

That doesn't sound nearly as difficult as it is. I could have said "Lately, I've been whacking bee hives for the sport of it," and given a much more accurate description of the problems this is causing me. But then you would have pictured me valiantly wielding a stick of some nature, moronically but heroically battling bees. Dress shopping has yet to become that exciting.

Here's what really happens: I walk into a store and immediately decide that I don't like anything. Then I pick out one or two dresses and carry them around awkwardly while my mother (and/or anyone else who is with me) picks out five or six and hands them to me as well. After about ten minutes, I am not even visible anymore, and what finally squeezes into the dressing room more closely resembles a large, expensive pile of tulle and organza than a human. (Also, I now know what words like "tulle" and "organza" mean. I've become at least 2.7% fancier since I started this adventure.) I usually wind up hating everything or falling head-over-high-heels in love with the one that is so expensive there is no way I can get it and go to college. I hate prioritizing.

Due to the difficulty of shopping in real stores, I turned to the magical world of the Internet where anything is possible. Except, apparently, finding a dress. No, I take that back. I found a ton of dresses online. Several of them were even reasonably priced. But it's never that easy.

It's always a little sketchy when the return policy is written in broken English. Apparently at least half of the dress websites out there are owned and operated by the same company in China. They are able to sell dresses for less because they make each dress the way you order it: your size, your color, everything. A cheap, custom made dress exactly for me? Why, thank you. Wait, what do you mean I can't try it on and decide if I like it?! No, I have to look at the picture on the computer and decide, once and for all, that I want the dress, because once they send it to me, it's mine and I probably couldn't pay them to take it back, according to the return policy (but they might have just meant I couldn't get a refund--there's really no way to be sure). Thanks, China Wholesale.

I started looking on other, more expensive, non-Chinese websites. I'm constantly reminded that I'm fighting this year's "prom style," which is clearly straight, print dresses. I've probably waded through hundreds of pages of these dresses looking for what I'm interested in. I'm not even exaggerating. Hundreds.

Let me tell you, trying to be true to your personality when dress shopping is a mistake. Conform. Go with the flow. Surrender individuality. It will be okay; you will still have a soul when it's over. At this point, I've invested too much blood, sweat and tears to give up, but if you are reading this in time, save yourself. Really.