Nine True Facts About Venice

Yesterday my family and I arrived home from an eighteen-day trip in Europe.  We spent four of those eighteen days in Venice, and I thought I'd share some of the things I learned about the unique city.

Where's Waldo?

1. It’s sinking.  Go figure.
2. Occasionally the scent of fresh pizza wafts through the street, but be careful about inhaling too deeply because you could just as easily get a noseful of low tide.
3. After hours of wandering around you may be inclined to think that you are holding a particularly poorly designed map.  While this may be the case, Venice is also a particularly poorly designed city.  All roads do not lead to Rome.  In Venice, all roads lead to other roads.  None of them lead to your hotel.
4. Although most people associate the phrase “leaning tower” with the one in Pisa, every tower in Venice is leaning one direction or another.  Art is clearly the forte of the Italians.  Civil engineering, not so much.
5. Gondola, while romantic, is not an efficient way to travel around the city.  Because it’s such an iconic thing to do, the gondoliers can basically charge you whatever they want.  Ride one anyway.
6. You can describe any location in the city with the directions “That way, over a bridge, in the square.”  There are some 200 bridges in the city.  After a day or two they all start to look the same, as do the squares.
7. Only the elite can afford to really live there anymore, which means that just because someone has an Italian accent doesn’t mean they can give you reliable directions.  A lot of the Italians in the city are tourists as well.
8. You will walk past at least six gelaterias (ice cream shops) before you decide which one had the prettiest display and lowest price, then you will never be able to find it again.
9. Finding a place that takes a credit card is a rarity, but it’s even harder to find an ATM.  Especially since asking for directions to one is usually answered with “That way, over a bridge, in the square.”

Paint a Bridge and Get Over It

My sister graduates in a few days, and we're having a party because surviving high school is a really big deal.  I'm painting these king-sized sheet backdrops to go along with the Japanese-garden-generally-Asian-probably-not-politically-correct-but-whatever theme of this shindig.  Two of them are fairly simple.  One is a silhouetted pagoda against a pink and orange sky, another is a tree and a sunset.  The third, however, wound up being far more detailed than the other two.  This is what it looks like:

I can't in good faith say that I'm not extremely proud of the way it turned out.  It took a ton of work, I think it looks great and I'm downright impressed with myself.  However, I can in good faith say that it has a ton of problems.  And those problems bother me every time I look at it.  So I'm going to share them with you guys, here, because I think it's good to be critical of yourself, and also because nobody else wants to hear it.

The problems I have with it are mostly perspective issues to do with the bridge.  This comes from the fact that I basically freehanded the bridge rather than basing it off of a specific photograph.  I looked at lots of photos to figure out roughly how a japanese bridge should look, but I never pulled out my ruler or anything like that to make sure it was geometrically logical.  And if anyone asks (no one will ask), I'm citing MC Escher as my inspiration.  The truth is the bridge is a mess.  Here's everything that's wrong with it:

Perspective is based on where the viewer is standing.  I'm not exactly sure where I put the viewer of my bridge, but I know that you could be, visually, in any of four places based on where the bridge seems to shift. 

1. Where the top rails appear to cross.
2. Where the far post is hidden completely by the near post.
3. Where the bottom rails appear to cross.
4. Where the underside of the bridge becomes visible.

In real life, all those things should happen along the same vertical line.  In Raz's Magical Paint Land, the rules of geometry are more like guidelines.  This brings me nicely to my next point:  If all of the far posts are to the left of their respective near posts, there should never be a point where the far post is hidden completely by the near one.  That just means my bridge is missing a far post:

See?  Right in the middle.

Also, if the far posts are to the left of the near posts, it means that the left edge of the posts should be visible (and therefore shaded), not the right edge, which I have shaded dark.  If you could see them, though, they would be dark, based on where I sort of arbitrarily decided my light source was.  So I got that right.  Yay.

Now, let's look at the slats that run horizontally along the bottom of the bridge:

The posts are supposedly right across from each other, this means they should line up with the same horizontal slat, like they do at (1) in the above image.  But by (2) the posts are quite obviously misaligned, and it gets worse as you proceed along the bridge.  This is because I drew the posts where I thought they sort of looked about right, then added the slats so that they, too looked about right, and noticed later that they did not look about right together.

Finally, I have issues with the horizon.  Because if there was any geometric planning I did it was to make sure my lines receded toward the horizon.  But when I did that, the horizon was about where the bushes meet the water (yellow line).

But making the water go all the way to the horizon made it look like the little stream opened up into some ocean (probably the Pacific, if we're in Japan), not a cute, intimate little pond in a garden.  So I put bushes there, instead.  Now, it looks like a pond.  When I did that, however, I inadvertently moved the horizon up quite a bit, so that now it's more where the white line is.  So it no longer makes sense for the far post to appear shorter than the near post, because it should appear closer to the horizon.  Now, my bridge is just crooked.

I like the moss on the water.  I like the reflection of the rocks.  I like the way the leaves in the background look where the light comes through from behind.  I even like the bushes, despite the fact that they ruined my horizon.  But the bridge and I are still not on speaking terms.  But hashing all of this out felt really good.

A List of Things I Used to Not Like But Now I Think are Okay

If the title of this post doesn’t make sense to you, go listen to this song, then come back.  I won’t go anywhere.

So if you’ve been following this blog since its inception (in the actual dictionary-definition sense of the word, rather than the something-inside-something-else or blanket-term-for-anything-really-confusing sense that the Internet has slapped onto it since the movie), you may have noticed that a lot of the cynicism has kind of died away.

What can I say?  I was an angry teenager.

I don’t mean to invalidate any of the opinions or views that I expressed in some of my earlier posts.  I’m also not saying I’ve changed my mind about all of those things.  I still think a lot of people are morons, but since I don’t work directly with the public anymore, I don’t have to deal with them.  Actually, that last bit might explain a lot about why I’ve mellowed out.

I also started college, which has humbled me a few notches.  I haven’t undergone this grand reevaluation of life, the universe, and everything that a lot of adolescents seem to when they sort of set out on their own.  (I haven’t set out on my own yet, but that’s beside the point.)  But I got a little forced perspective.  My university’s student body is ten times the population of the town where I went to high school.

Big fish, small pond.  You get the idea.

But I didn’t ask you here today to tell you about my growing experience as a person.  In fact, I didn’t ask you here at all, and yet here you are.  I appreciate that.  I really do.

The problem I now face is this:  I have a lot less to write about.  It’s tough to sit down and enumerate all the ways in which life has been fair to me lately.  And it’s boring to read.  But I’m betting I’m not the only one who’s dealt with a little fresh perspective, and so what I am going to do is enumerate some of the things that used to annoy me that don’t anymore.

1. Pop music - In high school, I was a band geek, and hung out with the band geeks.  Most of us moonlighted as music connoisseurs, or thought we did.  (I just spelled the word "connoisseur" right on the first try, and would like you all to know that, because I couldn't believe it.)  We scoffed at people who listened to Katy Perry and Lady Gaga.  If the only White Stripes song you knew was "Seven Nation Army" that didn't count as "liking the White Stripes."  I've since come to appreciate that sometimes the goal of music is not to be intellectually stimulating or to provide social commentary.  Sometimes the only claim a tune makes is to be fun to listen to, and that's okay.  And it's okay if you listen to it over and over and over.
2. Action movies - Explosions are cool.  Big explosions are very cool.  Explosions don't win Oscars, but if you only go watch movies that are going to make you cry, you're going to have a sad life.
3. Dogs - This explanation is not as deep.  I have long considered myself a cat person.  I love my cat.  But I no longer think you have to choose a side.  I think it's okay to like cats and dogs.
4. Justin Bieber - I know, I said pop music already.  But this is more along the lines of the Bieb being a cultural icon.  His music is not art.  Maybe he doesn't "deserve" to be famous, but he's a talented kid who got a lucky break and I think we should be happy for him, instead of casting him into the same pop-cultural blunder category as, say, the Twilight franchise, which is genuinely horrible.
5. Onions - Maybe it's an acquired taste.  I used to hate onions.  I don't anymore.  You won't catch me eating them raw, but throw a few on my smoked salmon bagel and we're good.
6. High school - Whoever said "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone" was wise indeed (that was Shakira, right?*).  I couldn't wait to get out of that place the entire time I was there.  I felt trapped.  When I graduated, the feeling of freedom lasted until I started college, where it quickly morphed into abandonment and then apathy.  I had almost enough rope to hang myself.  Had enough to fail a couple classes, anyway.
7. Twitter - When I first started hearing about Twitter, I never understood why people would use it, or why anyone would ever follow anyone else.  Like, who cares?  Now I don't know what I would do without Tom Hiddleston's daily nuggets of insight.
8. Tom Hiddleston - No, who am I kidding?  I had a crush on Loki the minute he appeared in Thor.

*I'm joking!! Also, I really like footnotes.

My Creative Process

This guy's attention span could swim circles around mine.

Lately, I haven't been posting as much as I would like to be.  I blamed it on finals for a while, and school before that.  Those were adequate excuses, but now that finals are over (yay!) they don't work any longer.  I am forced to stare my real problem squarely in the face and acknowledge its existence: laziness.  It's sneaky.  I don't usually wake up in the morning with the intention of spending all day doing nothing (although I can't in good faith say that it's never happened).  But whenever I set about doing something, like finishing a painting I started almost a year ago, or writing that blog post I've drafted three times in my head but never actually hammered out on the computer, a similar sequence of events takes place.  This is how it generally goes:

1. Wake up with the whole day ahead of me.  Big dreams.  Wonderful intentions.

2. Open Blogger.  Finally going to write that Hunger Games review.

3. Notice I have a new follower.  Become filled with happiness.  Click to see who this wonderful new person is.

4. Click to view other stats.  Check whether Russia is still the country generating the second-largest number of hits.  Wonder why my blog is getting traffic from Russia.

5. Check to see if more than a quarter of my readers are still using Internet Explorer to read my blog.  Feel pity for the population.

6. Stomach growls.  Get breakfast.  Make coffee.  Check to see if Julian Smith has posted any new videos to YouTube that I can watch while the coffee perks.  He hasn't.

7. Watch Chuck on the Internet.  Promise I will go back to the blog post after this episode.

8. Episode ends in a cliffhanger.  Watch three more episodes of Chuck.  Cry because I'm in love with Chuck but we can never be together because he's fictional and married.  And fictional.

9. Find videos of Zachary Levi on YouTube to ease the pain.  Pain gets worse.

10. Return to Blogger.  Stare at blank text box.  Lose patience.  Feel worthless.

11. Check Pinterest.  Jane Doe and 34 others have repinned my pin.  Feel popular.

12. Stomach growls.  Get lunch.  Notice that it's already 3:00 in the afternoon.  Wonder how that happened.  Remember that I woke up at 11:00.  Feel worthless.

13. Vaguely remember that I was going to write a blog post.  Ignore feelings of guilt and worthlessness and bury them in vanilla ice cream with Oreos crumbled on top.  Feel fat.  Feel worthless.

14. Remember that I'm awesome and stop feeling worthless.  Decide I don't need blogging to convince myself that I'm not worthless.  Discard any and all intentions of writing a new post.

15. Play Tetris.  Get bored.

16. Play Temple Run.  Beat high score.  Reward self by watching Chuck.

17. Realize it's midnight and I should go to bed if I want to wake up in time to get anything done tomorrow.

Fair Weather Foodie

The weather played autumn for a couple of days here recently, and although the temperature is now back up to a healthy late-summer 70-or-so, the chilly weekend reminded me of how much I love fall.  And here, one of the best things about it  is the State Fair.  The many attractions at this annual event include a plethora of livestock in varying degrees of cuteness (e.g. baby goats = 10, cows = 1), several species of unnaturally large vegetables, ferris wheels, carnival games, mythological creatures (snake woman, etc.), and a whole slew of pick-you-up-and-spin-you-until-you-lose-your-turkey-leg rides.

But the best part is the food.

Every year, I must gain at least ten pounds from all the marathon eating I do while the fair is in town.  One of the reasons I went five times last year was because you cannot physically cram all of the necessary delicacies into your body in one night.  It isn't possible. Trust me.

Here I've compiled a list of all the foods I have to eat in order to call my State Fair experience complete, aforementioned rides, livestock, and mythological creatures notwithstanding.

The Krispy Kreme Donut Burger
Weighing it at an incredible 1500 calories, this glazed-and-greasy monstrosity is not for the faint of heart, although it will probably give you heart trouble.

Turkey Leg
These are impossible to miss, perhaps because a thick cloud of smoke surrounds every stand that sells them.  Or maybe it's the miles of people lined up waiting for a chance to bury their faces in poultry.  Either way, you can smell them from anywhere.  Just follow your nose!

Pig Lickers
Chocolate covered bacon.  'Nuff said.

Deep-Fried _______
Insert sugary goodness here.  It doesn't matter what it is.  From Twinkies to Snickers to Coca-Cola, find whatever they've figured out how to batter and fry this year and try it.  I avoid the deep-fried butter, though.  That crosses a line.

Strawberry Shortcake
Iconic not for the way it tastes, but for the giant inflatable strawberry crowning the stand.  You can also buy pig lickers here.  Don't ask.

Ribeye Steak Sandwich
This is usually the first thing my family eats, due to its convenient location near the entrance.  Best enjoyed with Texas Pete hot sauce.

Ice Cream
From the local university.  They milk the cows themselves, but the ice cream is made in a lab.  Still, by the time you've waited in line for the stuff, the flavors you have to pick from are "What aren't you out of?"  Mmmm, my favorite.

Corn on the Cob
The idea with this one is to cover it with so much unidentified seasoning that the food itself becomes unrecognizable as a vegetable.  If watching them pull it out of the boiling vat of butter didn't do that already.

Polish and/or Italian Sausage
If you know what the difference is, congratulations! No one cares.  They're both good, but you have to eat them before sausage juice dissolves the bun.  One way to find these stands is to follow the trail of dropped onions and peppers that slide off the thing no matter how hard you try to hold onto them.

Frozen Cheesecake
It's literally a brick of cheesecake on a stick.  Preferably covered in chocolate.  How can you say 'no' to that?

Cotton Candy
The way we do it, this one must be purchased on the last day, and enjoyed while watching the fireworks.  So you can walk around all week and stare at the many varieties of pink and blue (and sometimes yellow) clouds of sugar, but I learned at a young age that it simply wasn't going to happen until the end of the fair.

Al's French Fries
Similar to the corn on the cob, the object here is to bury the actual fries underneath several geological layers of ketchup and vinegar.  Then play, Try to Find a Way to Grab a Fry Without Getting Ketchup or Vinegar on Your Fingers.  That's a long title; I'll work on it.

If at the end of the week your arteries are the size of Polish (Italian?) sausages and your heart is begging for mercy, you've done it correctly.  Huzzah! Or as we like to say, 'Gitterdone!'

IKROMGLYKEKTHXBAI :)

English is changing. The further technology takes us, the less we communicate with each other using our voices, it seems. In this era of keyboard or keypad communication, it quickly becomes tiresome to type out entire words. When you're messaging instantly, sending bits of information soaring through the interwebs, across the very globe to the computer or phone of your friend, colleague, whatever, who's got the time to actually spell "be right back"?! Acronyms are a new class of words on the rise and it's beat them or join them for the rest of us traditionalists. So I've decided to grab this revolution by the horns. I've come up with a few easy-to-use acronyms that will no doubt make everyone's lives more convenient:

IG2TSDUNA? - I'm going to the store, do you need anything?

HOAMIG2GFMC - Hang on a minute I've got to go feed my cat.

DUWTGBT? - Do you want to go bowling tonight?

WWTTOURHY? - What was that thing on your head yesterday?

OMGLYKEWDUGTKPOS? - Oh my god like where did you get that killer pair of socks?

DUCOTWITUA? - Did you check out that website I told you about?

WUSCIRLYA - Well you should 'cause it's really awesome.

JASLMCWIJSI - Just a second, let me see what I just stepped in.

OMGIWDP!! - Oh my god it was dog poop!!

HDUGDPOUS? - How do you get dog poop off your shoes?

S4UD - Sucks for you, dude.

IKROMGLYKEKTHXBAI :) - I know right oh my god like 'kay thanks bye :)

A Dream is a Wish...

Recently in Art class, we've been studying fantasy, surrealism, and dreams. As part of this unit, we've been instructed to record our dreams and look up the meanings of the symbols or objects we dream about. The idea is to learn about what our subconscious mind is trying to tell us when we sleep, and maybe that works. After all, there's probably a reason I dreamt about doing jumping jacks with alligators as opposed to crocodiles, right? Of what significance are alligators to me? Maybe deep down I wish I was an alligator. I guess that wouldn't surprise me too much... I wish I had teeth that hardcore.

However, I do believe that a lot of the dream interpretation "dictionaries" I had to wade through around the interwebs were completely unreliable. For instance, as soon as I read that my dream indicated something was going to happen in my life down the road, I went back to the search engines. It's a dream, folks; it's not a fortune cookie. True to form, these fortune-cookie-dream-meaning-sites gave explanations that were so broad they were sure to connect with something in everyone's life. One site--the best one I found, in fact--even included a disclaimer at the bottom stating that dreams do not have absolute meanings and that the significance of different symbols in a dream can mean different things for everyone. Wow. Thanks guys.

But I agree. There are some things in this world that just can't be standardized. I'd like to think that my mind is one of them. But I realized I don't really know what I'm talking about. It's easy to coach from the sidelines, right? So here's what I've done: I've created a Dream Dictionary of my own, because "a dream is a wish your heart makes," is it not? Well, it's time to find out a few of the wishes your heart is making. I've taken a few recent/popular searches from some of these sketchy websites and tried to add some credibility to the science of dream interpretation. Ready?...

If you dream about:
Being chased - your subconscious is telling you that you need to excercise more.

Tests/exams - indicates a longing for education. You love school and teacher and detention and cafeteria food. Can also indicate hatred of school, tests, pressure, stress, a stressing situation in your life or a test you are facing. May indicate that you have to pee.

Falling - indicates feelings of freedom, detachment from reality, failure, achievement, low self esteem, a desire or fear of taking risks, or that you have fallen off of the bed.

Flying - indicates that you seek a closer connection with birds and wildlife. Note: do not attempt.

Naked - indicates a deep-rooted desire to expose yourself/soul/inner being to those you care about. Can also indicate a longing to be naked all the time. May also indicate that you do not like nakedness, and wish some people would wear more clothing. Can also indicate confidence, security, closeness, high self-esteem, low self-esteem, insecurity, or a feeling of being disconnected. May indicate that you have to pee.

Teeth - indicates that you love teeth. May indicate that you have to pee.

Vampires - denotes a pronounced fear of blood, bats, glitter, bad teeny bopper movies, or Robert Pattison.

Breathing fire - indicates that you will go on a journey in your life, and will seek the help of those close to you to overcome it. Can also indicate that your house will burn down in the near future, or has burned down in the recent past. May indicate that you are sleeping with too many blankets, and are uncomfortably warm.

Stuck - wake up. Untangle yourself, and try again. If dream persists, contact poison control or seek medical attention.

Attacked - see "Naked"

Danger - indicates that you are in a perilous position in your life. May indicate a fear of change, progress, danger, or scary things.

Snake - means you like spaghetti.

Cherry tree - indicates an abundance of fruit in your diet. Can mean a desire or longing to travel, an love of Japan, Mongolia, or Antarctica; can indicate hunger, tiredness, or apprehension. May indicate that you have to pee.