Monday, January 7, 2013

The History of New York City

For at least a year and a half now, I’ve been making clear my intentions to move to New York City after I graduate college.  My mother still occasionally refuses to acknowledge this goal of mine, but her strategy has mostly shifted to convincing me that the Big Apple is a bad place to live.  My grandmother has joined this cause wholeheartedly.  They keep telling me that I don’t want to move there because it’s dangerous.

My go-to response has always been to shrug them off as paranoid and accept that they love me and don’t want me to move.  But then I took a look at the history of the city that never sleeps.  And I’m starting to think they may be right.

Doctor Who, where everything's made up and logic doesn't matter.
The 1930’s were a rough decade for New York, New York. In November of 1930, according to British television series Doctor Who, the Daleks invaded, and the Doctor, along with Martha Jones and a makeshift army of shantytown residents, had to defend not only the city, but the human race itself.  Apparently this is the only time during which New York was interesting to BBC, because less than a decade later, the living-statue-creatures known as Weeping Angels set up shop here, and the Doctor had to save the day once again, although this time he couldn’t save his companions.

The 1930’s also saw the first attack by the classic giant ape, with the original King Kong released in March of 1933, and its 2005 remake.

Because history repeats itself and because giant monkeys sell movie tickets, King Kong attacked again in 1976.

If we fast-forward a few decades to more recent history, in 2002 the Green Goblin descended upon the big screen and upon NYC.  Thank goodness we have our friendly neighborhood Spider Man! (Insert eyeroll.)

Spider Man got a two-year sabbatical but in 2004 had to save the city again, this time from the well intentioned but poorly nicknamed “Doc Ock,” just in time for Manhattan to be buried by the new Ice Age in The Day After Tomorrow. (I’ve been to that library, and I can think of worse places to be trapped…)

In 2005 Victor Von Doom threatened the city with his generic and scary lightning-spewing doomsday device.  My question is this:  Did nobody say, “You know, that guy’s name is ‘Von Doom’… maybe we should keep an eye on him?”  Good thing we have Chris Evans and the rest of the Fantastic Four… What were their names again?

Two years later a radioactive Peter Petrelli exploded in the sky over Kirby Plaza in the last episode of Heroes that was worth anything, and Peter Parker defended the city from Sandman, Venom, and Harry Osborne.  Then he made the most disgusting cry-face in movie history.

The world didn’t end last month, but 2012 was still a very bad year for the Big Apple.  A cure for cancer went horribly wrong, and diseased zombie/vampire people ate Will Smith (and his little dog too) in I am Legend.

He looks familiar...
Loki’s army attacked a zombie-free version of New York in the same year, but a ridiculously good-looking slew of superheroes saved the city and its people and—hold on, is that Chris Evans again?

The city recovered mysteriously quickly from an attack by aliens on hover-cycles, but Stan Lee is relentless.  A Dr. Conners-turned-evil-mutant-lizard threatened to turn the whole city into similarly horrible genetic disasters, but a younger, fresher, and more amazing Peter Parker discovered his inner Spider Man and came to the rescue.  Perhaps this Peter Parker is a descendent of a certain courageous shantytown resident in the aforementioned Dalek attack, to whom he bears a striking resemblance.
Andrew Garfield in Doctor Who

So after thorough examination, it looks like living in New York might be more trouble than it's worth.  On the other hand, it wouldn't be so bad to be rescued by Chris Evans or Andrew Garfield once or twice.

Disclaimer:  The first image is mine, the rest have been stolen from various places on the internet.


  1. Ha,ha, awesome post. It pleases me that I know exactly what you are talking about all the way through :)

  2. I love this so much! I hope that if you move to New York, it isn't attacked by Weeping Angels, giant apes, aliens, zombies, and suchlike.

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  4. Hilarious. If you don't mind me asking, what state in america do you actually live?

  5. As one who lived in NYC in the halcyon days of my youth, I can tell you that there is no other place where you can be surrounded by so many people and still be alone. But dangerous... not unless you go looking for it. Loved the blog.